Nearly in tears,
but what can I do?
Out of my control.
Tired and angry.
Making me sad.
Can’t be controled,
what do I do?
So, I was about to start crying a minute ago. All this crap that has been happening to me is starting to wear me down. It seems like I just can’t catch a break anymore. As most of you know I get cysts in an extremely senstive area that is more painful than childbirth (so I’ve been told). I have another one now. I had one just a month ago also. Three weeks ago my back was hurting so bad that I couldn’t do anything without being in pain, then I got a cold where my throught got dry and scratchy and painful, now I have another cyst. So I have been in some sort of pain for the past month.
On top of the pain I start to feel like a bad mother and wife. With my back hurting and the cysts I can’t do house work (ok, I could but I would be in tears not long after getting started). So right now the dishes are so far behind I can’t see my sink, we are running out of clean clothes, and my house just looks like crap. Oh, and when we have Jeremiah (every other week) I can’t do anything with him like I normally do. I normally take him to the park, play ball with him at the house, and other activities. Now my mom has been taking him after school for me sense Cory has to work. He is still having fun, but it makes me feel like crap. My house is discusting me enough that if I had the money I would pay someone to come over and clean it for me. My mom would if I asked her to, but she is already doing so much for me.
I just keep wondering what I’m going to do once the baby gets here? If my back gets that bad again I’m not even going to be able to lift him, if I have a cyst…well, if I have a cyst I’ll manage…but it will be a lot of pain.
I just don’t know what to do. I know crying and feeling sorry for myself are not going to help anything, but laying here all day I have nothing better to do…lay here and think about how crappy things are right now and not knowing what to do about any of it.
I hate being on a site that I know is safe and doesn’t have any pop-ups nor has ever given my computer any viruses..then I click a supposedly safe link on it and all of a sudden there are fifty things popping up saying that my computer is infected and blah, blah, blah. 
So now I’m running my anti-virus thing and having to use explorer instead of firefox. Every time I open firefox it still pops up that same infected page.
So speaking of websites…mine has apparently been having technical difficulties behind my back! Yeah…not even letting me know about it! Gwen tells me that when she tries to visit my site it gives her a DNS error. :/ But apparently everybody doesn’t have that problem because I’m still getting comments and haven’t gotten any other emails saying there was a problem. So I have no idea! I’ve not seen any problems with it lately. I’m going to hope that it magically goes away. lol. I will probably email Mari in a little while to see if she knows anything about it.
Did I ever mention that my grandmother seems to think she needs a laptop? Yeah. She kind-of mentioned it one day about a month ago and I mostly blew it off..but now she is asking me about it again. This is the grandmother that I live right next door to. Sense I am at such a convient reach she will be calling me all the time because she can’t figure something out. I love my grandma but she is one of those that thinks she is better than others. I am perfect in her eyes, of coarse. But my mom, my brother, and my hubby are not. They are ‘others’. Anyways… I don’t want to have to deal with her bugging me all the time. She doesn’t know anything about computers. She has to have written notes on everything..including how to turn it on! She used to have a desktop computer and internet. She got rid of it because she decided it was a waste of money. So years later, for some unknown reason, she is wanting a laptop. (Well, I think part of the reason is that she will be retiring pretty soon and will be sitting at home a lot.) She also isn’t wanting to spend much more than $100. I have to try really hard not to laugh hysterically when she says that. Even Hubbys computer that is an older model cost something like $300 a few years ago. Ofcorse that included our computer guy getting it up to date and adding what anti-virus things he said we needed on it. Oh, and she doesn’t want to go through our computer guy because she doesn’t like him (this goes back to the ‘others’ bit). So she wants me to deal with him, which normally would be fine (except for me having to deal with her), but right now I owe him money and can’t afford to pay him. (He is also a family friend, therefor he doesn’t make us pay upfront if we can’t.) Oh this is all just a headache that I don’t want to deal with.
This week has been very crappy. Well, honestly it still is, just not quite as bad. Starting last Monday my back started hurting. I’m used to it hurting some, but on Friday it was hurting to even walk. So hubby and I going out to eat and then a club…I didn’t have much fun. Had I been feeling better, I would have had fun…and maybe even danced a little. Anyways, Monday (this past one) we were at my parents house for dinner, right before dinner was ready I apparently looked very pale and I felt like I was burning up. We took my temperature and it was 100. Well, ofcorse everyone got worried. Doctor says they don’t start worrieing with pregnant women until it gets up to 104 because of estrogen surges that will make our temp. go up like that. I don’t know, but sense then (and I think before that I just didn’t have thermometer before) my temp. has gone as high as 100.8 at least once a day. I wonder though if it has something to do with my back hurting me so bad. Right now I’m back to where I can move around a bit without it hurting, but if I move wrong or breath wrong it’s like a knife stabbing me in my ribs on the side..and only on the right. I don’t think baby is helping…but he is fine and that is my main concern right now. 
Sense I have been having so much back trouble lately I thought it might have something to do with my anciently old mattress. I told my grandma and parents that I want everyone to give me money for my birthday so I could hopefully get a new mattress with it. Well, they decided to take action now. My mom took me to find a new mattress today. I found one and it will be here around 6pm tonight. 
I’m excited. Although…Hubby dosen’t know about it yet. hehehe. I hope he likes it too. I will feel bad if it helps me and makes his back worse, cause everyone has a different preference. My parents for example.. My dad likes his about as hard as they come, so my mom has a foam piece on her side to make it softer. 
I uploaded the Flickr Uploadr to my computer. So I have to add some pictures to this post too. These were all taken by my Mom though. She has been helping me take care of Jeremiah sense my back has been hurting me so badly. Anyways, here they are: (oh, and the guy is my brother, Ben)
Alrighty, at some point I will actually have a little something about me in here, untill then, this is all ya get. :P Sorry. O and there will be a picture too. For now I'm going to work on this layout. It's almost done. :)
