It’s amazing how much can change in a year.
Last year about this time I had two best friends. I was obviously closer to one than the other…but I was there for them and they were there for me.
This year I have one best friend that always finds time to call me even though she has many things going on in her life and now lives in Tennissee. The other one… she only seems to have time for me when her boy toy is doing something she dosn’t want to do and she realizes she dosn’t really have many friends in Nebraska.
Now I still love both of them, I just dissapointed in one them right now. It really makes me sad because we always said that we would be bestest friends forever. I guess I was wronge. 
I-44, Neberaska, Oklahoma. Last thing he said was that he is in Oklahoma. I’m sure he isn’t now. He probably only slept for a little bit then started driving again.
He didn’t talk to me for a whole day. Yeah, I know I sound like one of those girls…But he isn’t here, I don’t really know where he is, I don’t know if he is safe. It’s driving me crazy. He had me worried sick yesterday. Seriously, I didn’t sleep because he didn’t text me at all that night, I can’t eat. I hate this.
Like I said before, I understand that he needed to do this. But I hate it.
I’m not allowed to temporarly hide from my problems by just covering my head with a blanket, but he can run away from his?! No. I love him to death, but this just isn’t right. You can’t run from all you problems. Yeah, I have wanted to do exactly what he is doing. But I know I can’t! Because you can’t just run away from things and hope it’s better when you get back.
And thatn’s not completly why he left. He needs to find peace.
As soon as things start going the tinest bit wrong he gets in these moods. Saying that he is a shmuck or a piece of shit or that he dosn’t desirve me. But he has never left before. I know things aren’t great right now….
I wish he would talk to me. He fusses all the time that I don’t talk to him…well he dosn’t talk to me either. The only difference is that I’m better at bottling it up and hiding it. I put on a smile and pretend everything is ok. I act like a child because they are always happy, they don’t know about the bad things that go on in this stupid world, they have no reason to want to run away.
In a comment on my last entry someone reminded me that if you love someone set them free and if they come back you know it’s meant to be. Well, I didn’t really set him free, he just left. He promises he will be back, says he loves me and still wants to marry me. I believe him but it still scares me. Honestly, I will probably always be afraid he is going to do it again. I go to work or school and come back to find that he has just up and left. I’m afraid of people leaving me as it is. Whether it be leaving me at a store or actualy leaving me. Then something like this happens and that fear never goes away. That’s why I like to always be the wone to drive (unless Cory is there), that way I know I wont be left.
And this fuckin Christmas party for work. I wanted to go, but that was before he left. Now everyone is asking if he is going to be there and I just tell them no. Thankfully no one has asked why yet. I will make up something…but that’s not really the point. Let me say this again… I hate this!
Not only do I hate that he is gone and that he left without saying anything…but I hate that I feel like crying allthe time. I don’t cry. Atleast I didn’t useta cry. I feel stupid when I cry. It’s not like he isn’t coming back. But he is still gone and I don’t know exactly how long he will be gone.
He said he would be back either this weekend or next weekend. I really hope it’s this weekend. Becuase like I already said, I can’t stand this. Even though he did finaly text me yesterday, I’m still worried sick. And he probably dosn’t even know it.
I guess I’m gonna go. Try to do some work.
I come home to find that he is gone. I call, no answer. I call again, no answer. I unlock the house, open the door, then close it again and sit on the porch. I wait a little bit then call him again, no answer. I get a text that says ‘I love you. I promise I will be back’. At first I think he just went to Georges and didn’t want me to start freaking out. Then I go inside and find the letter.
Try to understand, he says. Can you understand without understanding? Then again, understanding why he left and how he could actually leave are totally different aren’t they? He hates this place, it offers him nothing. That, I understand. How he could just up and leave, I don’t.
I’ve always been afraid he was going to just leave. Change his mind about the whole thing and leave.
He said that he is coming back and still going to marry me. But right now, knowing that isn’t helping any.
I have no idea where he is at. I have no idea where he is going. I have no idea when he is going to be back.
Crying dosn’t help but I can’t seem to stop.
I have nobody. My best friend is at AIT, my only other close friend moved away, and my fiance just ran away. There is Miah and Zoe, but neither of them are here. Normaly I could talk to my mom about something like this, but telling my mom my fiance just ran away is not a conversation I want to have.
I don’t think he understands the effect this has on me. He calls and acts like everything is just fine, when it takes every thing I have to keep from crying.
Alrighty, at some point I will actually have a little something about me in here, untill then, this is all ya get. :P Sorry. O and there will be a picture too. For now I'm going to work on this layout. It's almost done. :)
